So today has been a rough day. Or at least had a rough start. Which seems strange, or may be in part due to the fact that I slept in until 10:30. So did Malachi. I was shocked too. Strangely, I still felt tired when I got up. We had our typical 12am bed time but even then 10 1/2 hours seems a bit much. I am wondering if Malachi has roseola. I almost hope so as it would explain the fussiness and would mean the end was in sight soon. After I bathed him last night I felt some very sand papery patches on his tummy. I remembered Cyprian when he had it. Weeks of being clingy and fussy and me promising myself I would never go on another family vacation with a baby again. Then one night after swimming I saw the rash and he got better. And then we came home.
So I am keeping an eye on it to see if it spreads and am glad he is getting lots of good sleep.
However I was not so glad when the delivery man decided to finally deliver the wine, which I have to sign for, while I was in the shower. Seriously, he has all day to deliver it. But he picks the 15 min window when I finally have a second to be alone and get prepared for the day. The kids did not come and tell me so he left a new delivery date on the door. I don't really care about the wine, just now I have to stay home on another designated day. But then again, its not like I go anywhere if I have the option not to these days.
We are not drinking wine during lent, except sometimes on Sundays. But I feel like I might just give it up entirely. I don't really know what is going on. Ever since pregnancy #1 my bladder has never been quite right. And I find any sort of discomfort emanating from it to be completely unnerving. Headache, ok some ibuprofen and I can carry on. Nausea, ok I'll stay in bed for 3 months but I'm ok. A twinge of my bladder hinting 'its not quite happy' and I can't think of anything else, whether its schoolwork, a nice dinner, or even a movie. All of my attention is focused on it and I feel panicky. I guess mostly panicked that it is the start of a bladder infection. Because what if it is and I can't take care of it and then I have to go in to get it checked and what if all the clinics are closed and then the antibiotic I like to take for it has to be ordered by the pharmacy for next day delivery and waiting another day with a bladder infection is a really, really, bad idea and I know I won't be able to think about or do anything else until its resolved. So it exhausts me just entertaining the idea.
For me it is the not knowing that I find most debilitating. And makes occasions like long trips away from medical care, or wine tasting in hot places, or trying to sit through a 3hr movie while boxed in from all sides opportunities for hyperventilating. But it is strange to feel like I can't trust my body or what it is trying to tell me. 'No, you're fine. You just didn't like the lemon drop.'
And when my brain gets in on the conspiracy its even more fun. Like Christmas Eve.
We were not terribly early and ended up sitting in the choir loft. 3 flights of concrete stairs up. And it is packed. And there are only two bathrooms. Downstairs. Apparently one of which is for the other sex. I figured that out my third trip and thought 'Ahh. That is why the seat was up.' But I also didn't care and was glad I didn't know earlier as I might have waited and then.....well there were no big flower pots.
Unfortunately I was also distracted by feeling like my milk supply was slowing down and imagining Malachi being hungry or, God forbid, loosing an ounce. As it turned out, I was able to pinpoint the culprit. I had gone to see my naturopath that week and she recommended miralax to just, you know, keep things moving. It turns out miralax is an osmotic. Which in bladder speak means spasmotic and 'you will sorely regret you ever took it. You will not be able to sit down for more than 5 min and then you will pray you do not fall down the steep steps in your hurry to avoid making a scene and maybe you really do have a bladder infection. I wonder if there are any clinics open on Christmas Eve? Maybe you'd have to go to the ER. That would be lame.'
After the third and final trip, Shane asked if I was ok. I said I was not sure and tried to talk myself down from the ledge. But I did have some monaural at home and knew I would feel comfortable if I could just have it in case I found that things were headed that direction. So we left early. It turned out to be ok. I think the miralax was effecting my milk but my reaction of drinking tons of water to see if that helped only gave my bladder more to deal with, which it did not seem to be too happy about. So now I know not to take that again. Or drink alcohol. Or have citrus. Or sugar. Or fake sugar, caffeine, or carbonation, Or do anything to tempt fate, which would mean this is Malachi the last.
But it also still leaves me wondering where the problem is. Is it just me? Is it MS related? Is it the fact that 5 pregnancies and Malachis odd delivery- I will get to that eventually-have rearranged things so as to never allow my bladder a moments peace? Is it all completely in my head and goes back to something in my childhood? Should see my neurologist, the urologist, or a shrink?
While all these thoughts were weighing heavy on my mind, I decided to take a back seat to dealing with the day. I did school with the little kids. Then left them to their own devices with minimal intervention. Gave the big kids instructions and said Papa will check in with them in terms of their progress when he gets home and focused on the baby. At lunch time I decided to make something easy that I had been wanting to try. It was really fun to watch the kernels pop through the glass lid and all but one kernel popped. It was a success and the kids enjoyed it so at least they didn't feel totally neglected and now they are out digging trenches in the rain, for fun, so the day was not a complete loss.
And in the midst of it all I decided to start with the ladies at the women's clinic at Evergreen. They were so nice and I was sad when my visits with them ended. Kind of like the midwives. They know so many amazing things. About me. And I want to show off Malachi as well. Unfortunately, they are working in different areas of the hospital now so I had to call a different number and will only be able to see the therapist not the RN. But she works out of the rehab clinic that is right below my neurologist so t least I know where I am going. And where the bathrooms are. I did have to get a referral as the one on file was from 2 yrs ago. So I called up the midwives and they will fax one over ASAP, and I was able to get an appointment in a couple weeks. Which I am very much looking forward to it. I am feeling like the time out was just what we all needed. But I will have to come up with something else for dinner.