Tuesday, July 7, 2015

More New Research

Researchers Discover novel new ingredient in your daily cup of coffee might just maybe offer hope to millions of MS sufferers. 

A night janitor at  UST, University for Sciency Things, may have stumbled (quite literally) upon a  stunning discovery which may lead to new  treatments for patients with MS. Or not. But which will definitely lead to a fresh coat of paint in the biology lab. Sources report the janitor, Ken,  had the happy accident of tripping over a cord while vacuuming  and holding his thermos of black coffee, sending his drink splashing across the wall and across the papers of the head researcher's desk. The next morning Head Researcher, a tea lover himself, read the reports and concluded coffee may offer a benefit to people with MS and should definitely be looked into.

MS is a degenerative disease of the nervous system. No one knows exactly why or how the fatty myelin in brains and spinal cords of MS patients degenerates leading to nerve damage and various funky feelings and symptoms ranging from inappropriate laughter to inappropriate blog topics . And lots of other inappropriate things. MS affects many million people world-wide. You probably know someone who has it. Great Aunt Matilda didn't wear that cooling vest and sweet leg brace just to make a fashion statement.  Uncle Vern? Did he seem a little unsteady and slow at the last family reunion? Oh wait. Never mind. He  really was sauced. Moving on. The point is there are lots of events, fundraisers, and maybe even some orange(for MS)  t-shirts out there. So this article (and the 50-almost-exactly-the-same ones with no useful information to follow)  are important to all of us.

Researchers say it is too early to say for sure why/if caffeine could benefit  MS patients, and are quick to discourage anyone from self medicating.

" We really do not want to see people just going off all willy-nilly and  start chugging this stuff on their own.  Random, placebo-effect controlled trials with blind-folded doctors will begin  in about 10 years and in another 10 we should have some foggy idea of what may, or may not, be the back  end  of a rat.  It's really hard to tell when they have those soft pointy noses and those long pointy tails and you can't see a bleepin' thing. We realize a lot of patients, rats, and doctors and  will not be around by then and we are sincerely sorry. We are doing everything we can to minimize loss of life. Our new protocols, including making sure ALL the windows are closed, should result in keeping more doctors for the next phase. There is a  'dead rat quota' each trial must reach before we can start offing actual patients, and we are all about killing things by the book. Until then we encourage everyone to stay on their neurologist-recommended drug of choice," says Pharma4All spokesman Si De'fect.

(Disclaimer: Pharma4All is sponsoring the trial and will attempt to patent caffeine and stop all future research should it be proven to be helpful. If they are unable to get the patent granted they will drop all research into the  new area and focus on their current  therapy product lines, the inject able  Lumps4You, their new oral medication Nausea4Ever, and the still in the pipeline Itsnota2mer, which is up for FDA approval next fall.)

The research and trial findings  will first need to be peer reviewed. Si explains this is a very important step in new drug research.

"We feel it is  essential we all tell the same story. In order for this to happen, we will need to spend a  large amount of time reviewing the script over larger amounts of red wine and steak at a remote and exotic location. Most likely Tahiti."

"Last year a separate company, LimpBGone, made the realization that having legs did NOT, in fact,  increase, or decrease, your chances of developing MS. But it was not until they were all cozy together in the Swiss Alps, putting on skis, during peer review time, that they were able to notice they ALL had legs. And so did the MS patients in their trial. So you can see how crucial to the research process these trips are."

 Si also explained that though it was initially looked  on as a setback, the findings have undoubtedly lead to new trials, therapies, and at least forestalled any new research and money being wasted on such a 'dim witted' hypothesis. Most likely the 'eureka moment'  only  resulted in another trip to the hotel spa and a cold drink for the researchers. Which was not a bad outcome for many of the patients waiting for trial results.

"It could have been a lot worse. Had the research been  released prematurely, we might have had people traveling to far off places to get their lower limbs hacked off, without their doctors  approval or oversight, in a desperate attempt to lower their odds of landing in a wheelchair due to MS."

Thankfully, UST researchers are responsibly keeping quiet about their coffee  research until they know for sure what they don't know. At which point, a coin toss will determine whether or not the results should be released or if a trip to the Serengeti  would be fun first.

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