Man, That's Dopamine! (Or Not)

I was cold. So cold. Bone chilling cold. I wanted a blanket but was afraid if I moved it would cause the movement to only chill me further. I didn't want just one blanket. I wanted a pile of blankets. I felt like nothing could penetrate the icy air around me. I was frozen. I looked into the flames hoping their bright colors could offer reprieve from the soul-sucking frigid hell I found myself in.

Instantly I realized there was no pile of blankets deep enough.  No blazing fire high enough to melt the iceberg I was naked and alone on. There was only darkness to comfort me and it was not comforting. No one knew or cared. The loneliness only made it feel more heavy. I knew the air  temperature was way above freezing. I knew I was not going to die. I also knew I could not get away from or temper the coldness because the coldness was in me. No matter how close I sat to the fire, nothing changed. No matter how hard I stared at the leaping flames I could not channel the warmth to my body.

I was hopeless and paralyzed. Like when you wake up the morning after a loved one's funeral. It's raining. The baby and you slept poorly. Shane is gone to work already and it will be time to get everyone up soon. Then you remember the previous day's events and why you feel so awful. And you also  remember you are out of coffee and the fire is out. Why even get out of bed? But you know you have to.


Then suddenly, the baby starts gulping and I realize there really was nothing wrong. I just having a let down. Along with the Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex (D-MER) that had been accompanying the let downs  the past few weeks. It only lasts a few seconds, but feels like lifetimes, and then suddenly the fire makes its  presence felt. The clothes on my body are insulating and cozy. I realize my coffee is still hot, Shane is on his way home soon and picking up dinner. My chubby baby is cuddly and safe in my arms, getting all the nourishment he needs, and all is right with the world.


But those seconds were quite a trip. I wondered where the next nursing would take me. I know it will not be pleasant. After awhile it becomes  like licking  a 9volt. I  know it is coming but it still gets me every time. I read up on the science explaining the strange phenomena and it makes perfect sense. Of course I would chose a short, though severe,  drop in dopamine over not feeding my baby. It helped to know that is short-lived and not an indication anything is really wrong. Mildly unpleasant. A curiosity. But nothing bad. But it was also completely foreign to me and nothing I had ever heard of or experienced.

The other odd bit was it only happened with Malachi.  I though by #5 I'd seen it all. But no. First the D-MER and then the needing to be sewn up with Fiona. Malachi's tongue tie. I'm sure there is a lot more I have not experienced and maybe never will. I was ready and felt I could handle the freaky nursing instances just fine when Fiona came along. But nothing happened. Well, not nothing. She just barfed  abundantly.  Not just after nursing. All day long. It is so true every pregnancy, delivery, and baby are different. I guess I was glad I got to experience all the different pieces. I'm not sure I could have understood many of them without having lived it myself. Just my learning style I guess.

I am thankful for all the experiences, pregnancies, births, and babies thus far. If it is just thus far. As of now I am still in menopause. No one knows when/if it is forever. I still have our baby seat in the garage. I did give it away once but after a few months it came back, sans base. Don't know what that means. I tried to sell it for a few dollars this summer, but there were no takers. No one wants a car seat without a base, I guess. I've been reluctant to get rid of all the baby clothes. Not true. Actually,  I did give away all the boy clothes, with the car seat that came back. And some of the girl clothes. But I guess I had a ton because there are still boxes taking up space in my closet. and the garage.

I'm not sure why all this history is coming up in my mind now. But it did so I thought I might as well carpe diem and get it written down.

Next time I'll update the post HSCT progress and regress. More progress than regress and absolutely no regrets. And no, that's not just the dopamine talking.

Keeping a Stiff Upper Lip, Or Not

 Malachi has been having some growing/recovery pains lately. Which is translating to not napping unless being held, acting like he's being poisoned when I try to nurse  him, and me getting nothing done. Sometimes  I can get him to nurse. If I am standing up. And  IF I am walking. And only after he recovers enough emotionally from the fact that someone had just tried to poison him. The lactation consultants said it is a bigger recovery  than the first clipping and to give him ibuprofen if he seems uncomfortable. Even then, two hours later he would start to fuss. So she said add acetaminophen and alternate the doses. But still he is having some trouble. Which makes for long days and late and challenging nights. And even more challenging waiting room times.

It used to be so easy. Now I have to reheat my coffee every time I want a sip. And one cup can take me several hours to drink.

 

 Kateri at her appointment looking very professional.

 

 

Sometimes he does this and I get all excited thinking I'll get to finally have breakfast, coffee, or a shower. Not all three. 5 min later he is up and 'squiggling' and we go back to pacing/nursing.

 

I'd been doing the exercises the lactation consultant gave me to help him transition to using his previously ignored muscles, and to keep the frenulum from tightening up or developing scar tissue again. But today I called and asked if we could stop by to have a look-see just to make sure it was not still causing  problems. The big kids had just left to go to art and writing classes with Grandma and the receptionist said Kristina could take a peep if I got there in the next half hour. Fortunately I'd been well schooled in the 'how to have a functional day with broken sleep, no breakfast or shower, and only 1/2 cup of cold coffee. I hollered to the little kids to grab their boots and away we went. Boots are great. If your socks don't match nobody can tell. And if, as is usually Cyprian's case, you don't have socks at all, well you're still in luck.

 

 

So the good news is, no his frenulum has not re-attached. There is a little scar tissue from the first, or second clipping, but we went over the massages to do for that. And tried some new nursing positions as he is still a little less comfortable on the one side. She watched him nurse and suggested little adjustments. Then she suggested having him in a more upright position reclining on my stomach. She seemed hesitant in helping him transition while still nursing.

 

"Here" she said "try like, um, I don't want to, uh..."

 

"It's ok," I said. "It's number 5. It's real stretchy."

 

I was relieved, as was Kateri, that a third snipping was not in order. And knowing his discomfort seems to be the result of adjusting to normal while hitting his 3 months growth spurt at the same time but will end someday, I think I can muster up the energy and good will to get through it gracefully enough. Though I did have a little setback when Shane reported to me his new paycheck, courtesy of the #%!@ s in D.C.

Seriously, there is a new tax on dental devices. So braces that already cost a bazillion dollars are going to cost more. And with four, soon to be five, kids ahead of me in line I probably won't even be considering it for myself until I'm 60. By which time, if things continue in the vein they are now and a doomsday device does not take out Washington, will be even less affordable and if you try to get them anyway they will realize you are a drain on the system and euthanize you instead. After they try to get you to inform on your friends and family for illicit possessions like guns or heirloom seeds or activities like collecting your own freaking rain water!

Ok tirade is over. Fortunately, Malachi's nap is not. So I just might get something done. After I heat up and finish my coffee.

No More appointments, for now

Yesterday was the last appointment for the month. Kateri was greatly relieved. With pediatrician appointments for Malachi, neurology and naturopath for me, and hearing aid fittings for Kateri it has been a busy couple weeks. For several of my appointments she has been my second pair of arms, keeping baby happy in the car or bouncing him while I fill out paper work. She's been indispensable and every outing I am more aware how 5 is so much easier than one, two, three, or four were. I even said to Shane the other night #6 does not sound overwhelming right now. Which I don't think I have ever said/felt at the 10 week stage before. But he is a pretty good baby. And Shane has been on paternity leave for a couple weeks. Shane saw right through me and said,

"You just want to see the midwives again, don't you?"

I do. And maybe I'll get to see them soon. But not for that reason.

When Malachi was born the he had a slight tongue-tie and said we'd keep an eye on it. I had never heard of such a thing before. But have since heard of two babies needing the little flap under their tongue needing clipping so I guess it is all the rage and Malachi is just being hip. My mom said both her brothers had a tongue tie.

Well, after a week of nursing, it seemed his was causing a bad latch on one side and they went ahead and clipped it. The soreness got better. But as the nursing continued I noticed some different habits he had whenever nursing on that same side. Like him acting like he needed me to hold it for him. Or else he'd lose his latch and start searching loudly and frantically. Then he'd get a letdown going and pop off because he couldn't keep up, sending milk everywhere. which makes for some very non-discreet nursing. His ear on that side is always stinky. He nurses normally on the other side so it seemed like something was up, not that he was still just getting the hang of it. So to the myriad appointments we've already had this month, I added a visit to the lactation consultant.

She looked Malachi over and said it still seemed to be tight. She ran her finger under his tongue and explained the frenulum should feel like  a little speed bump, your finger just goes right over it. His feels more like a trip wire. She said it could be clipped again but suggested some craniosacral therapy to get him to adjust to nursing normally on that side and we'd give it a week. At least that is what I think she said. The night before I got about 5 hours of cobbled together sleep which didn't even start until after 2am. I realize now I don't want to wait a week. With Christmas next week it will be harder to get appointments and there is no downside and he seems to need it, so why waste more milk?


In talking it over with Shane I  came up with cunning plan. Since Heike did the first snipping it might make sense have her look at him and maybe do the second as well. Right?

I don't know if they can still see him as I think their postpartum care only extends to the 6week check up but it is worth a try. We'll have to wait until after Christmas, but there might be time to get one more appointment in this month.