Man, That's Dopamine! (Or Not)

I was cold. So cold. Bone chilling cold. I wanted a blanket but was afraid if I moved it would cause the movement to only chill me further. I didn't want just one blanket. I wanted a pile of blankets. I felt like nothing could penetrate the icy air around me. I was frozen. I looked into the flames hoping their bright colors could offer reprieve from the soul-sucking frigid hell I found myself in.

Instantly I realized there was no pile of blankets deep enough.  No blazing fire high enough to melt the iceberg I was naked and alone on. There was only darkness to comfort me and it was not comforting. No one knew or cared. The loneliness only made it feel more heavy. I knew the air  temperature was way above freezing. I knew I was not going to die. I also knew I could not get away from or temper the coldness because the coldness was in me. No matter how close I sat to the fire, nothing changed. No matter how hard I stared at the leaping flames I could not channel the warmth to my body.

I was hopeless and paralyzed. Like when you wake up the morning after a loved one's funeral. It's raining. The baby and you slept poorly. Shane is gone to work already and it will be time to get everyone up soon. Then you remember the previous day's events and why you feel so awful. And you also  remember you are out of coffee and the fire is out. Why even get out of bed? But you know you have to.


Then suddenly, the baby starts gulping and I realize there really was nothing wrong. I just having a let down. Along with the Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex (D-MER) that had been accompanying the let downs  the past few weeks. It only lasts a few seconds, but feels like lifetimes, and then suddenly the fire makes its  presence felt. The clothes on my body are insulating and cozy. I realize my coffee is still hot, Shane is on his way home soon and picking up dinner. My chubby baby is cuddly and safe in my arms, getting all the nourishment he needs, and all is right with the world.


But those seconds were quite a trip. I wondered where the next nursing would take me. I know it will not be pleasant. After awhile it becomes  like licking  a 9volt. I  know it is coming but it still gets me every time. I read up on the science explaining the strange phenomena and it makes perfect sense. Of course I would chose a short, though severe,  drop in dopamine over not feeding my baby. It helped to know that is short-lived and not an indication anything is really wrong. Mildly unpleasant. A curiosity. But nothing bad. But it was also completely foreign to me and nothing I had ever heard of or experienced.

The other odd bit was it only happened with Malachi.  I though by #5 I'd seen it all. But no. First the D-MER and then the needing to be sewn up with Fiona. Malachi's tongue tie. I'm sure there is a lot more I have not experienced and maybe never will. I was ready and felt I could handle the freaky nursing instances just fine when Fiona came along. But nothing happened. Well, not nothing. She just barfed  abundantly.  Not just after nursing. All day long. It is so true every pregnancy, delivery, and baby are different. I guess I was glad I got to experience all the different pieces. I'm not sure I could have understood many of them without having lived it myself. Just my learning style I guess.

I am thankful for all the experiences, pregnancies, births, and babies thus far. If it is just thus far. As of now I am still in menopause. No one knows when/if it is forever. I still have our baby seat in the garage. I did give it away once but after a few months it came back, sans base. Don't know what that means. I tried to sell it for a few dollars this summer, but there were no takers. No one wants a car seat without a base, I guess. I've been reluctant to get rid of all the baby clothes. Not true. Actually,  I did give away all the boy clothes, with the car seat that came back. And some of the girl clothes. But I guess I had a ton because there are still boxes taking up space in my closet. and the garage.

I'm not sure why all this history is coming up in my mind now. But it did so I thought I might as well carpe diem and get it written down.

Next time I'll update the post HSCT progress and regress. More progress than regress and absolutely no regrets. And no, that's not just the dopamine talking.

You've Been Fi'd

Which is code for :

You have vomit on your shirt (pants, shoes, face etc.)

Fiona is still generously sharing her leftovers. We had lots of appointments and did dietary experiments. But no amount of adjustments or alignments had an effect. At least not on her regurgitation. I will say she is a much more settled baby now and I would go so far as to say content. And I will take that. Along with some extra laundry soap for all our clothing. We will just accept the need for multiple shirt changes every  day and the fact that life just kind of stinks right now. We're all in it together. So there is  that.

                                                     
There is/was also the matter of her hair. She had so much at birth. And then is started falling out. But not all of it. So she had patches of longer hairs that were quite endearing. Much like an old man's unkempt comb-over. You can try and hide it but everyone knows. We finally cut it. Immediately I regretted it.

She looked so kempt.

And fat.

I didn't realized how much the hair distracted from the jowls until the hair was gone. But it is gone. And after accepting that this fuzzy head is still our Fiona we are just as much head-over-heels for her.
Especially when she tries to talk. I'm not such a fan of the bushman tongue clicking in the wee hours, though I can't help but think its darling and super tricky. But I love how pleased she is with the coos and shrieks she makes. Even though it makes conversing

Her other new development is she enrolled herself in GymNurstics. At first she thought she'd try out some other exercise classes. She'd start with some stretching.

'Look, Mom. I can reach your face. Oh, I can reach my foot.'

 Flex. Point. Flex. She'd practice while holding her foot.

'Oh! My foot can reach your face, Mom. Isn't that neat? Do you like my foot in your face, Mom? I like my foot in your face.'

Sometimes she likes to hold my hand while she nurses. Then she brings her foot up and slips is into my hand.

'Can you just hold that for me? Oh that is so much better. Man my legs are getting heavy. I'm not sure how long I can keep up this exercise routine. Oh,  its time for yoga. Look, Mom. What do you think of this pose? I call it Fish on a Hook. Do you like it? I like it. Almost as much as Cat Covered in Oil Getting a Bath and Eating Lunch at the same time.'

Crazy antics included, I am really enjoying this stage. Nursing was kind of not smooth in the beginning, maybe she just has a small stomach and can only keep half of what she puts on her plate. But at least she is more relaxed about it. After have the tongue-tie with Malachi and then having to wean him early and still feeling concerned because he only eats a real meal  about once a week, I really appreciate not worrying about Fi's nutritional intake. The jowls and thighs are lovely, and I mean really lovely, reminders that all is well.

                                                        Next up is a hair cut for Malachi.

No More appointments, for now

Yesterday was the last appointment for the month. Kateri was greatly relieved. With pediatrician appointments for Malachi, neurology and naturopath for me, and hearing aid fittings for Kateri it has been a busy couple weeks. For several of my appointments she has been my second pair of arms, keeping baby happy in the car or bouncing him while I fill out paper work. She's been indispensable and every outing I am more aware how 5 is so much easier than one, two, three, or four were. I even said to Shane the other night #6 does not sound overwhelming right now. Which I don't think I have ever said/felt at the 10 week stage before. But he is a pretty good baby. And Shane has been on paternity leave for a couple weeks. Shane saw right through me and said,

"You just want to see the midwives again, don't you?"

I do. And maybe I'll get to see them soon. But not for that reason.

When Malachi was born the he had a slight tongue-tie and said we'd keep an eye on it. I had never heard of such a thing before. But have since heard of two babies needing the little flap under their tongue needing clipping so I guess it is all the rage and Malachi is just being hip. My mom said both her brothers had a tongue tie.

Well, after a week of nursing, it seemed his was causing a bad latch on one side and they went ahead and clipped it. The soreness got better. But as the nursing continued I noticed some different habits he had whenever nursing on that same side. Like him acting like he needed me to hold it for him. Or else he'd lose his latch and start searching loudly and frantically. Then he'd get a letdown going and pop off because he couldn't keep up, sending milk everywhere. which makes for some very non-discreet nursing. His ear on that side is always stinky. He nurses normally on the other side so it seemed like something was up, not that he was still just getting the hang of it. So to the myriad appointments we've already had this month, I added a visit to the lactation consultant.

She looked Malachi over and said it still seemed to be tight. She ran her finger under his tongue and explained the frenulum should feel like  a little speed bump, your finger just goes right over it. His feels more like a trip wire. She said it could be clipped again but suggested some craniosacral therapy to get him to adjust to nursing normally on that side and we'd give it a week. At least that is what I think she said. The night before I got about 5 hours of cobbled together sleep which didn't even start until after 2am. I realize now I don't want to wait a week. With Christmas next week it will be harder to get appointments and there is no downside and he seems to need it, so why waste more milk?


In talking it over with Shane I  came up with cunning plan. Since Heike did the first snipping it might make sense have her look at him and maybe do the second as well. Right?

I don't know if they can still see him as I think their postpartum care only extends to the 6week check up but it is worth a try. We'll have to wait until after Christmas, but there might be time to get one more appointment in this month.